My choice

First of all , if someone lived through the same case , please comment . 

I had a beautiful friendship with a girl , since I was a kid . If I had a party , the first person I would think of , it would be her , even though she had another best friend . But I didn't care , I wanted to take that place one day , and if I did , I would be ok and just fine with that . As I grew with her , the possibility to be in that place would be even far away  even though her best friend went to another state . I didn't care if we would be in different groups , and I didn't care if she had found another replacement for her best friend and it wasn't me . All it cared was to be with her . And she didn't even noticed , or cared . I didn't either .

I grew quite hard for her , that love we know now . Maybe I was curious (bi-curious , I am not going to debate that topic) .

One night she told me she was bi , and I told her I thought I was pansexual . It took one month .

We were writing a lemon and I got mad a t her for some reason , and she sent me a message , and I couldn't get mad at her and I told her that -"why can't I get mad at you , even just for a day ?! " , to what she answered -"What do you exactly feel towards me ?" . I was completely stunned , was she asking me to tell my feelings ? . we screamed our feelings , or I declared that she was mine . it all ended with her saying those three words " I love you " . but we never had a title , I mean an "official title " . We told her best friend the news and she got happy and all that stuff . She would message me and we would keep it up that way .

I got jealous when we were in the second week we had arrived back to school (we declared in vacations) , and she said it was ok . In was like ... a month when it happened again and I bit the inside of my cheek . Every time that other girl would come to her I would be jealous and quite annoyed . She told me long ago that she knew me better than I know myself , and knew when I was jealous . Now I think completely different .

She didn't message me and did what she used to . You know ? she even had the cheating signals on . And who was my first victim ? her friend . I bit again my lip , and kept all those bad feelings to myself . She did it again , and again .( Now I think she did it on purpose ) I 'm an extremely sensitive human , meaning I get sick easily . I had an attack , anxiety could be , wrath I don't know .

I threw up , I had migraine , I couldn't move . I was so wrong that the school had to call my mom . Minutes before we had a recess , and did she cared of my situation? Hell , she even went to her new girlfriend and started laughing and all that shit . She didn't realized I was laying on the freaking floor , shaking and crying . I went to my home and slept in my mom's bed . She started patting my back and told me some sweet words before I slept :

-My sweet girl , you have this heavy burden on your back and a demon behind you . You accepted the demon inside you and  now you are suffering this shit-load of stress and unneeded feelings , let her go . Let yourself free , let you fly away .

With that I slept and passed my attack .

One month latter  I was talking to my supposed girlfriend and her new affair came , when she stood close enough my supposed girlfriend grabbed her by the neck and told her " Oh , I like you ! you know I'm serious !" . I left at the moment without saying a word . It was her birthday when she said that , and did I mentioned before ? she did a party , to which  her closest friends  ( me and another people ) weren't invited , or she didn't told us a single word . You'll excuse me if I explain how angry I was . 

I mean , you read it before didn't you ? WE were the ones that were with her , ALL OUR FUCKING LIFES , and then just one fucking day we are not anymore your literal family ? . We all agreed not give to her anything . 

I , personally , was the most wounded and angry of us all . I was YOUR girlfriend , WE were your family before them , WE promised we would be TOGETHER , FOREVER . And then those people came around and we don't exist anymore ? You may think I'm making a fuss over it , but the little things count . and I explained before clearly .

I harmed myself that night , ( I regret it so hard right now ) , and didn't wanted to love anymore . I screamed , sobbed and hugged my pillow until my mother arrived from our friend's house , she flew open my door and hugged me , she didn't saw my cuts , (now they are healed , but the regret is still there ) . I didn't talked to her the rest of the week . And the piece of unneeded human did not give a single living fuck . I was feeling frightened of myself and the feeling of loneliness . I hugged her on friday , and now , sunday I write this at 11:19 pm because I hate myself because I did such a mistake . 

I don't have time to spare , neither heart . So I won't give a shit like she did . I don't want to see any other human like that in the rest of my life . 

I only write these to make my thoughts clearer and kill some time , I don't care if she read this or not . 

I would love to read the comments of someone that lived through the same or a different case and wants to free her/him self . Now if you'll excuse me I'll go drink some tea and enjoy the rest of my playlist .